Smokies Daily Joke Finds

Me Tarzan, You Jane...

One day Jane sees Tarzan swinging on a vine iin the jungle. Shes attracted to him and asks him how he manages to have sex. "Whats that?" he asks. She explains to him what sex is and he says, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified she says, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show u how to do it right." She takes off her clothes, lies down on the ground and spreads her legs. "Here," she says, pointing "You must put it in here." Tarzan removes his loincloth, takes a step closer, and then kicks her hard in the crotch. Jane curls up and starts rolling around in agony. "What the hell you do that for?" she manages to gasp "Tarzan check for squirrels."

Quit Drinking

A depressed looking regular enters a bar and orders a soda. The bartender asks why he doesnt want his usual shot. "I quit drinking," the man replies. "Last night i blew chunks." "Whats so horrible about that?" the bartender asks. "Everybody gets sick once in a while after drinking." "No, no," the man replies. "You dont understand, Chunks is my dog."

Son-in-Law

A mother hears a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom, so she opens the door and finds her daughter naked on the bed working the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" the mom asks. "Im 35 and i still live with my parents. This is closest ill ever get to a husband." replies the daughter. Later that week the father hears the humming and finds his daughter with the vibrator. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Im 35 and still live with my parents. This is the closest ill ever get to a husband." replies the daughter. A few days later the mother hears the humming coming from the den, so she bursts into the room and see her husband on the couch watching tv with the vibrator buzzing away next to him. "What in gods name are you doing?" she asks "Watching the game with my son-in-law!"

Dollars and Cents

A woman goes to a sporting goods store to buy a rod and reel for her sons birthday. She grabs one and approaches a clerk whose wearing dark shades. "Can you tell me about this rod and reel?" she asks. "Ma'am, Im completely blind," he replies, "But if you drop it on the counter ill tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She drops the rod on the counter. "Thats a six foot graphite rod with a 404 reel and 10lbs test line," the clerk declares. "Its on sale this week for $20." "Ill take it!" the woman replies. She opens her purse and her credit card falls to the floor. The woman bends down to pick it up and accidently lets one rip. Shes embarrased but decides not to draw attention to it when the blind man doesnt react. The guy rings her up and says "Thatll be $34.50 please." "Didnt you just tell me it was on sale for $20?" asks the baffled woman. "The rod and reel is $20," the clerk replies, "But the duck call is $11 and that catfish bait costs $3.50."

Stocked Up

A man and his son walk by the condom display inside a drugstore. The boy asks, "What are these Dad?" "Those are condoms, son. Its how men have safe sex." The boy asks, "Why are there three?" "Those are for hish school boys," his dad says, "One for each for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday." "Who are the six packs for?" the boy asks. "College men," the dad explains "Two for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for Sunday." "Wow!" says the boy. He grabs a 12 pack, "And there?" "Those are for married men. 1 for January, 1 for Feburary. 1 for March..."

Flying Blind

Two men dressed in pilot uniforms and wearing dark glasses board a large passenger jet. One of the men using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way onto the plane with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the pilots make their way into the cabin as the pilots make their into the cockpit. The door closes and a moment later the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around searching for a sign its all a joke. The plane beings to roll forward and quickly accelerates down the tarmac. The people sitting in the window seats begin to realize theyre not getting airborne. It beings to look as though the plane will plow into the water at the end of the runway and panicked screams fill the cabin. Then suddenly the planes lifts into the air. The passengers relax breathe heavy sighs of relief and laugh sheepishly. They soon retreat into their magazines. secure in the knowledge that the planes is in good hands. In the cockpit one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know Bob, one of these days theyre gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Animal Attraction

Two hunters decide to dress up as a female moose and sound a mating call. Their plan works: soon a moose approaches them. "Ok, you unzip the suit, then ill pop out and shoot him." says the guy in the front. A few seconds go by before the guy in the rear yelps. "The zipper is stuck! What are we gonna do?" "Im going to start nibbling grass. I guess you should brace yourself."

Breaking News

A captain calls his sergeant into his office. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Pvt. Jone's mother died yesterday. Go tell him, then send him in to see me." The sergeant steps outside and has his troops line up for morning formation. "Listen up, men," he says. "Jonson, youre on KP. Everyone else clean the bunks. Oh, and Jones, your mother died yesterday. Report to the captain." The next day the captain calls in the sergeant and says, "Sarge, that was a cold way to tell Jones his mother died. And I just learned now that McGraths mother has passed away. Please inform him at roll call, but be more tactful this time." "Understood sir." the sergeat replies. He steps outside and calls for his troops to fall into formation. "Ok, everyone with a living mother, take two steps forward," yells the sergeant. "Not so fast McGrath!"

Blown Away

A man is sitting at a diner counter when another guy takes the stool nest to him. He notices that the guy has a long duffel bag and asks whats inside. "Its my sniper rifle," he says, "Im a professional hitman." "No way!" says the first guy . "Mind if i take a look through the scope?" I think i can see my house from here." The hitman nods and hands over his gun. "This is amazing i can see right into the window of my house." says the first guy. "Theres my wife in the bedroom. And shes naked. Wait...theres my neighbor! Bastard! How much do you charge for a hit?" "Flat price," says the sniper. "One thousand dollars per shot." "Well heres a check for 2 grand." says the guy. "I want you to shoot both of them; my wife in the head and my neighbor in his dick. That should teach them." The sniper takes the rifle, aims, then stands still for a few moments. "You gonna shoot them or what?" says the angry guy "Give me a minute," says the hitman. "I think i can save you a grand."

Redneck Rules

A hillbilly and his new bride are on their honeymoon. The jillbilly is waiting in bed when his new bride comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says, "Honey, I have something to tell you, Im a virgin." The man rushes out of the hotel and heads straight to his fathers house. "What are you doing here?" his father exclaims. "I thought you were on your honeymoon!" "Dad, my new wife just told me shes a virgin!" he says. "You done the right thing by leavin',son. If she aint good enough for her family, she sure aint good enough for outs!"

Wishes...

An old man with a cue-ball-size head is sitting at a bar. "Excuse me," says the guy next to him. "I dont mean to be rude, but i noticed you have an extremely tiny head. Is that a birth defect?" The old man says, "No, my ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. I was the sole survivor, so i swam to a deserted island. Then one day a mermaid appeared and said she'd grant me 3 wishes. For my first wish , i wanted to be rescued. She sent for help. For my second wish, i asked for all the money i would ever need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid." "What'd she say?" the guy asks. She said, "im sorry, but mermaids cant have sex." "So," the old man continues remorsefully. "Then how about a little head?"

I love it!

Omg <333

SmokieBear wrote:

Blown Away

A man is sitting at a diner counter when another guy takes the stool nest to him. He notices that the guy has a long duffel bag and asks whats inside. "Its my sniper rifle," he says, "Im a professional hitman." "No way!" says the first guy . "Mind if i take a look through the scope?" I think i can see my house from here." The hitman nods and hands over his gun. "This is amazing i can see right into the window of my house." says the first guy. "Theres my wife in the bedroom. And shes naked. Wait...theres my neighbor! Bastard! How much do you charge for a hit?" "Flat price," says the sniper. "One thousand dollars per shot." "Well heres a check for 2 grand." says the guy. "I want you to shoot both of them; my wife in the head and my neighbor in his dick. That should teach them." The sniper takes the rifle, aims, then stands still for a few moments. "You gonna shoot them or what?" says the angry guy "Give me a minute," says the hitman. "I think i can save you a grand."

such a open joke. is it against bobbet? or the fate of a slut?
yes it's bad if you have to explaina joke. Bobbet meaning, will the sniper wait for the woman to cut off his dick so he doesn't have to snipe it.
Fate is self explanitory, the man goes "nuts" and kills the woman.

I know the joke, i'm not doing a spoiller. It's such a dark joke, it can even be considerd darker

Got Cow?

A farmer is arrested for having sex with one of his cows. During the arraignment the judge looks at him with disgust. "Son, what the hell were you thinking?" he asks. "Well sir," the farmer replies. "I reckon that i must hav ebeen thinking about a younger, hotter cow."

Whip Smart

One day mom is cleaning juniors room and finds a kinky S&M magazine. She hides it until dad gets ome and shows it to him. "Whatshould we do about this?" she asks. "Well, i dont think you should spank him."

SPECIAL EDITION III

Timing is Everything

Sitting in a car late one night, a young man is reading a magazine and a girl is knitting a scarf. Suddenly a cop taps on the window. "How old are you?" he asks suspiciously. "Twenty-three," the man answers. "And how old is she?" inquiries the officer. The man looks at his watch and says, "Well, in about 11 minutes she'll be 18."

Grass on the Field

An ambitous girls track team coach starts giving hes squad steroids. Their performance soars, and they go on to win the state championship. The day before the nationals, one of his hurdlers comes into the office. "Excuse me coach." she says. "I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest!" "Oh my GOD!" ells the coach. "Well, how far down does it go?" "Down to my balls," she replies. "Thats the other thing i wanted to talk to you about."

Fill`Er Up

"Heres the problem," Doc tells a first time dad. "This baby needs a diaper change." Looking confused, the man replies, "But the package says its good for 8 to 10 pounds!?

Housing Crisis

Knock knock! Whose there? General Lee. General Lee who? General Lee i dont sell my body outside 7-Eleven, but i have a mortgage to pay.

Knock knock! Whose there? Doris. Doris who? Doris locked cause the bank took my home.

Knock knock! Whose there? Olive. Olive who? Olive in a rail car now with a guy named "Harmonica"

Food!

Three guys walk into a restaurant. They sit down and all begin masterbating furiously. The waiter runs over and asks, horrified. "What the hell are you people doing?" One man replies, "We're starving, and the sign says FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE!"

Chili Con Gross

A man walks into a seedy tavern and sees a customer staring sadly at a bowl of chili. Bravely, the man asks the patron, "Mind if i take your bowl...if your not hungry?" "Sure thing," replies the patron. The man starts eatting until he reaches a dead mouse at the middle of the meal. He promptly throws up back into the bowl whereupon the patron says, "Yeah, i stopped there too."

Bad Leak

A man wakes up next to his wife after a long night at the bar and asks, "Hey, have you changed anything in the house lately?" "No," the wife replies. "Why do you ask?" "Does our bathroom light come on when you open the door?" Confused, the wife answers, "No, I dont think so." "Shit, I pissed in the fridge again."

How do you know if u got a vampire std?

1) Your testicles smolder in sunlight.
2) Your penis casts no shadow.
3) A repulsion to Sarah Michelle Gellar.
4) Your genitals burn even more than normal when you rub garlic on them.
5) Crotch rash bears striking resemblence to Robert Pattinson.
6) If erection lasts more then OVER 9000 YEARS!

Jordan Carlos

If you're the black friend, people ask if things are racist. If you have to ask, it is. And, yes, it is racist to kick a Mexican in the balls to see if he'll fart out candy like a pinata. It's something I'll never do again.

Small Things, Big Packages

A girl puts an ad online requesting a man who want hit her or leave her and is a great lover. A few days later her doorbekk rings and she finds a man with no arms and no legs. He says to her, "I have no arms, so I cant hit you, and I have no legs, so I cant run." She repsonds "But the last part..." He grins and says, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Baahhhhh the sheep

Did you know the Taliban are using sheep to detect mines? They send the sheep into a field, and if they're blown up, the terrorists have dinner. If the sheep make it through alove, they have a date.

Waiting on the Kids

A 95 year old man and his 94 year old wife go before a judge seeking a divorce after 75 years of marriage. The judge asks, "Why on Earth would you wait 75 years before asking for a divorce?" "Well, sir," says the old man, "we decided to wait until kids were dead."

Senior Moment

An old man goes to a Social Security office to apply for benefits but forgets his ID. The social worker says, "Just unbutton your shirt." The old man comples, and the social worker says, "The gray chest hairs are all the proof i need," and gives him his check. The man tells his wife, who responds, "If you'd dropped your pants, you'd have gotten disability too!"

Executive Porkilege

President Obama gets off a helicopter in front of the White House while carrying two piglets. A Marine guard salutes and says, "Nice pigs sir." The president replies, "These are not pigs. They're authentic Arkansas razorback hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Clinton and one for Speaker of the House Pelosi." The Marine says, "Excellent trade sir."

Q & A

Q) Did you ever date a midget?
A) Yeah, I was just nuts over her.

Q) What sexual position guarantees the ugliest baby?
A) Go ask your mother.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

A guy is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house: TALKING DOG FOR SALE. He rings. The owner takes him out to the backyard, where he sees a Labrador. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "When I was a puppy the CIA had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one figured a dog would be eavesdroping. Now I'm retired." The guy is amazed and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the owner says. "Ten dollars? Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a fucking liar. He never did any of that shit!"

Waiting Period

A man at a job center in Denver sees an ad for a gyncologist's assisstant. Interested, he asks the clerk for details. The clerk explains: "The job entails helping women out of their underwear and carefully washing their private regions so theyre ready for the exam. The salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana. Thats about 450 miles from here." "Relocate? No problem. I'll pack my back bags!" "No need to pack, sir-that's where the end of the application line is."

Bible or Bust

A woman's business has gone bust, and she's in dire financial straits. She decides to ask God for help. "God , please let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins. She prays again the next night, "God, please let me win the lottery!" Lottery comes, and she still has no luck. One last time she prays, "My God, why have you forsaken me? Please let me win the lottery so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly theres a blinding flash of light, and the voice of God says, "Sweetheart, work with me on this...buy a ticket."